GAOTU

…is clearly expectation. Let go of the idea that an experience has to be exactly how you pictured it. If you plan out every possibility and have that expectation in your mind, by definition the experience will not live up to that expectation. Maybe it will even be better, but not if you’re focused on the fact that it didn’t meet your expectation. Open your mind, open your heart, open yourself to an experience. To the extent that you can’t stop yourself from building this rickety scaffolding of expectations, try to just allow that to be a passing thought, an observation. Try not to let it color the situation.

There are pros and cons to being a weirdo. Not that you can really choose whether you’re a weirdo or not. I guess the choice is whether to follow your whims or to tame your external presentation to avoid alarming those you interact with. Cons: Pros:

You can’t undo, but you can untangle. That’s what words are for. They take the twisted thoughts in your mind and convert them into signals that you can pass to another sentient being, who can interpret, process and reply back to you with signals of their own. Do it before it’s too late. Will you let go of grievances, or will you let go of the people that caused them? I mean we all have a stack of regrets. Things we should have said or done, things we should’ve have said or done. Should growing old mean drowning in a sea of regrets? Or should it mean doing the hard work of processing them into something useful? Regrets are lessons. Don’t fail the class.

When attempting to connect with a human, you will occasionally experience the perception of pushback, rejection, abandonment, distrust or suspicion. You may feel overlooked or ignored. You may have strayed too far into uncomfortable territory. Try backpedaling and regressing. In other words, go back to familiar territory. The shared common bond. Then retry. But not too quickly. This tactic must be practiced covertly. A wrong turn is acceptable if it is inadvertent, and humans have short memories. If you backpedal too quickly, it will be an obvious ploy. It has to appear natural.

I am getting higher and higher as time passes. I can only describe the feeling in my head as similar when I would do taoist yoga breathing exercises — by the time I had worked my kundalini up and imagined its presence at the crown chakra, this is that thick, vibrational feeling i would have in my head at that point. Have I just elevated my vibration? Or is it something real-world and medical in nature? Time will tell. Tick tock. Tick tock. Also, “truth or dare” porn never really focuses on playing the game correctly. And we’re supposed to just let that slide?

I have always felt that everything I do, experience, encounter, etc. is leading up to something. Very recently that feeling has become less intuition and more physical. For the last week or so my head has felt that way that it has historically felt when I was feeling as if I was leaving my body. And it’s almost constant. What’s next?

When you make your move too quickly only to find out your target is already havinga. down low with someone else in your immediate circle.

Be bold. Be brave. Don’t hang back. Don’t let shyness or indecision take hold. Here’s a thing. When you’re feeling a certain way, and it’s preventing you from moving forward, simply acknowledge the feeling and speculate on its origin. “I’m feeling a strong urge to (get involved, join in, help, whatever it is) but I’m (not sure how, unfamiliar, a little scared, whatever).” Anyone worth their salt will appreciate your intent and help guide you in to what you both want. The longer you agonize, the harder it will be. Just say okay and let the happening wash over you. You are among friends. You are supported and loved.

Stuck in the grind for a long, long day, but trying to bring more of that healing energy from yesterday, with maybe a little bit of generative charisma thrown in. Do you ever wonder if you’re being tested? As in, individually, personally tested? I mean yes, of course, everything is a test. We make micro-decisions all day every day, and all of them are tests in a sense. They test your will, your patience, your commitment, your morals, your ethics, and more. All day. Every day. But I’m wondering about something more specific, personal and targeted. Have you ever met someone, and decided to test them? By simply throwing something out there that you don’t believe in or support at all, and checking to see how they respond?

Today I am here to encourage lust, and to heal, with receptivity, empathy and acceptance. I find it sad when people are wishy-washy about their lust, conflating bodily functions and erotic needs with some sort of misguided notion of sin. The idea of forcing oneself to feel guilty about one’s own interests and desires seems rather broken to me. A self-defeating system, literally.

You don’t own anotherson. Another person does not own you. We’ve all learned this lesson, slavery was outlawed over a hundred and fifty years ago. This applies to psychological manipulation as well. Bring the mystery back. Treat each other as equals.

I recently visited a place that once held a lot of memories and meaning for me. I think I’ve properly filed away the memories and meaning into a meaningful place, so that they no longer haunt me. This is the “time heals all wounds” feature of our busy existence. It seems like everything I do, see, experience and think about leads me to a place of revisiting past decisions. Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Will I always be looking over my shoulder at my past and wondering if different choices would have led to different outcomes or to essentially the same outcome with different variables. Another way of looking at it might be that life throws a lot of situations and opportunities at you, and you’re not going to learn anything by turning all of them down. In other words, it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done. Currently binging Fleabag and thinking about some of my past relationships, encounters, and fumbled attempts.

Just maybe inject some clarity into your relationships with others. If you want something to work out, explain what it is you want to happen, and what you’re willing to commit to make that happen. If you just don’t have the spoons to make it work out, fucking say so, and go from there. Maybe it’ll free up a lot of cycles for everyone involved, or maybe you’ll elevate to a new plane and find a new way to exist together. It doesn’t have to fit the mold, and it doesn’t have to keep up with the Joneses. You know what’ll make the Joneses really fucking jealous? If you figure it out before they do.

Do you trust your friends? Do you collect and maintain friends you can trust? Sometimes there’s a need to reconcile that balance sheet, and recognize when you’ve been burned once too often, and let that shit go. Learn to recognize that shaky feeling of uncertainty when deciding whether to tell someone something, or commit to something with someone.

I am worthy of love.I am worthy of attention.I am worthy of respect. You tell me I’m great, in words.Your actions do not align with your words.Do you forget that people can perceive that dissonance? Or do you just not care? Do you ever feel the urge to make huge, life-changing decisionsjust because you can no longer tolerate what has becomethe status quo?

Sometimes I miss being young enough to either not know, not care, or not bother to think about the consequences of my choices. I’m old enough to know things will probably be fine no matter what I choose, but I think about who might be harmed or inconvenienced nowadays. It’s not just about that me-me-me dopamine burst anymore. I mean fuck, I’m even thinking about future me, and how future me will think about the choices that current me is currently making.

“Whisper a dangerous secret to someone you care about. Now they have the power to destroy you, but they won’t. That’s what love is.”

If something bothers you about something someone said in an interpersonal relationship, talk it out. Don’t play the silent treatment game. Your silence is not so silent. It’s obvious, and it’s not helping. And maybe instead of simply expressing your resentment directly, ask the questions that lead to finding common ground. You can’t just declare an assumption of unfairness when there has been no discussion or negotiation. Let’s get there together.

I have a strong distaste for asymmetric power dynamics, whether real or perceived. I appreciate when people deal with one another as equals rather than with deference or domination. On an unrelated note, I’ve been pulling Grateful Dead Tarot and Goetia cards daily for 259 and 251 days, respectively. The only Goetia card I have not yet pulled is Berith, and only two Grateful Dead Tarot cards have yet to be pulled: Eyes and Three of Roses.

Yesterday, after a root canal that took more than twice the anticipated time, my endodontist told me, “You have the longest canine I have ever worked on. This will stay with me in my mind.” This is a profound statement, or at least a profound enhancer. No matter what you’re saying to someone, adding “This will stay with me in my mind” to the end of it adds quite a bit of weight to it. Whatever the preceding statement was, it will be reverberating in the recipient’s head for a while after that. Imagine, my canines, which look normal to the casual observer, conceal an abnormal length only visible to the person brave enough to kill and extract the nerve. Perhaps I am descended from a line of secret vampires. Casual research has indicated potential viking heritage, but that could be simple romanticization of a last name. However, previous researchs have claimed a link to William the Conqueror. Viking vampire? Draugr?