The tape echo unit I wanted, but decided not to buy because we wouldn’t be here to receive it, and then changed my mind because someone WOULD be here after all, is now going for more than $100 more than it was yesterday. How sad. I realized at some point that the thing I crave most about this educational endeavor I have embarked upon is a kind of impersonal anonymity. I just want to be done, with no fanfare, no drama, no back-patting. I wonder if others experience money the same way as we do. We get to a panic state, no idea how things are going to resolve, and then it’s like the dam breaks and an elegant solution happens. It’s very strange. Tonight’s meeting was virtual, and well-attended.

I packed up two things today that were sold. I resisted buying something new. Not because I no longer want it, not because it’s not a great price, but just because I might not be home when it is delivered. It’ll be that price again. I did a few hours of work today as well. I completed a unit in the Statistics course on Khan Academy. Have I hurt anyone today? I can confidently say no. Have I let anyone down today? I can confidently say no. I’m waiting for the next couple of hours to pass in hopes that my final grades go live for the two college classes I’ve taken over the last nine weeks. It’s strange that I care, since I know for certain I passed, but somehow I still need that validation hit to make it official. In a couple of weeks I start another nine week cycle. I’m still not talking about it publicly. And I’m not 100% sure of my motives on that. Am I ashamed somehow? Is it about not wanting to announce I’m doing it in case I fail to complete it? I’ll have to dig a little bit there. I’m thinking back to my hypersexualized youth. I discovered sex young, thanks to an older babysitter, a liberated single mom who left books lying around, and an apartment storage room with lax security. The combination of a lot of alone time and a seemingly unlimited supply of prurient material led me to fixate on things at a pretty young age, I guess. And the thing is, once you get into a pattern of moving very quickly from meeting to fucking, it’s hard to get out of that pattern. Then you grow up, and realize that whoa, women aren’t interested in you just for sex anymore. You’re more than your cock, more than a libido, and you’re expected to hold up your end of a conversation and actually be interesting. So I growed up, and pursued interests other than giving, receiving and trading sexual pleasure. I was always fascinated with the world around me, but at least now I can have an honest conversation with an attractive woman without trying to turn it sexual. Don’t get me wrong. In my head I’m absolutely thinking about it. I find it interesting that I never lied to have sex. I never told someone I was single when I wasn’t, told them I loved them when I didn’t, etc. I was always straightforward about whatever situation I was in at the time. I think I know what attracted them to me. I mean sure, I looked good enough, if not in the traditional sense, but more importantly, I was interesting. And curious. And completely uninhibited. I would do just about anything, just about anywhere. I was wild, untamed, with no qualms about semi-public or public sex whatsoever. I fucked in the woods, in cars, in parking garages, in the garden center of a store, on public

…more…Meeting goals and keeping commitments

If you believe in numerology, then numbers have meanings, and maybe if you were born the same year as someone but with the month and days transposed a little bit, maybe you have some sort of psychic link with that person simply due to the nearness of the numbers. Are we living in a simulation? Some folks seem to believe so. When we’re dead, do we know we’re dead? Naked in the hot tub at night, in 49 degree clear skies, with a glass of Jefferson’s Ocean in my left hand and a Rocky Patel Vintage 1990 Robusto Maduro in the right, I find myself still wishing for more.

Preparing for the retreat. Planning whiskey. Purchased cigars — they arrive tomorrow — fifteen Rocky Patel Vintage 1990 Robusto Maduros. Went to get my blood drawn to check my iron levels to see if the last donation got my hemochromatosis under control. Potential business opportunity from an old friend. Subcontracting on a research and potential prototyping project. Money is good. Let’s see if we can’t make this happen. Everything is going well, and hey, I haven’t pissed in my own face today. But it’s not midnight yet… I sold another synthesizer today, which will help with some of the debt load as well as downsizing a bit, eliminating things I’m really not that interested in learning anymore. Here’s an off-topic thought pattern. What if your kinks, fetishes, idiosyncracies, etc., aren’t necessarily based on childhood trauma or neglect at all, but rather they are messages from the Great Beyond, invitations, guideposts, and the like? For example, what if it’s your body telling you something you’re too cemented in your current belief system to accept directly? What if it’s your family trying to rouse you out of the coma you’ve been in for the past two years? What if it’s your spouse waking you from a bad dream? What if it’s God? Yes, God, guiding you toward divinity and enlightenment through an irrational desire to wear high heels while being spanked and anally penetrated? It could happen. Nobody knows the objective truth. Lots of us think we do, but it’s all theories and perception, and how do you know that what you see is objectively true?

You should wait until you are old to tackle long-term projects, because time moves faster. When something takes several years to complete, and you are young, those years feel like an eternity. When you’re old and your children are grown, sometimes it feels like you can shit out three years in a heartbeat and not even blink. Term 1, nine weeks complete tonight. I don’t know where the time goes. It didn’t feel like nine weeks. Of course I can easily do this again for a few years. Will it be worth it? Time will tell. Two final exams this morning before heading off to work. I know I did well, but I don’t know how well, because the final exam window is open from Thursday through Sunday, and it doesn’t appear they will release the grades until the window closes. Until then I will abide.

There are certain things we endure that, maybe should not be endured. When something designed as a protective or preventive measure feels more like punishment, perhaps it’s time to fine-tune it yet again. What began as perhaps a sincere belief that technology could do the impossible, and morphed into a form of stochastic terrorism, has perhaps now morphed yet again into some sort of dystopian psych eval masquerading as a thing masquerading as yet another thing. But it’s there for a reason, and that reason is to gatekeep and weed out, and to keep you guessing. What are you? Are you a threat? Are you a bad person? Are you weak-kneed? Spineless? Uncommitted? Sneaky? We will find out. Meanwhile the children with good hearts come to the door and beg for sweets. There never was a trick, it was always just treats. Sometimes you don’t miss something because it’s gone, you miss it because it ended without explanation or discussion. A one-sided ending.

Woke up around 6:30. Lazed in bed until 7:30. Made coffee, back to bed and browsed a bunch. Made the startling life decision that today would be a work and organization day. Work as in employment-related labor, organization as in organizing my workspace. I set the goal for 9AM and hustled to browse more until my deadline. 9AM. Completely cleared my home office desk space, it hasn’t looked like this since the pandemic started. It’s pristine, it’s gorgeous. Grabbed a USB-C to DisplayPort cable so that I can view my work laptop on the big screen. Grabbed my TimeCube so that I can hold myself accountable. Brewed a second batch of coffee. Ate pancakes and sausage links for breakfast. The plan is to spend the 10AM-11AM hour working on a backup system project, and then reassess where I am at that point. I plan to build in breaks for reading, browsing, and journaling progress. My soundtrack for this initial work period is Simulation Theory by Muse, from 2018. 1 hour set on the TimeCube, coffee poured… and… go. Hour complete. Next hour begins (it’s now 11AM) Two more hours. Taking a break. Stuck on the bareos vmware plugin seeming to be unable to find the pyVim module. Oooh, the tool I was waiting for arrived. Switching gears to finish assembling something.

I’m happy for two reasons. Enhancing the reach of blogs while maintaining autonomy over them is a good thing, one. And the other is that the amount of mental and tech gymnastics required to thrive on the Fediverse is going to rule out a few people I don’t really have a use for.

While reading The Book of The Law, l was moved to Google “4638abk24algmor3yx2489rpstoval” at which point I came upon this inspiring piece from Jesse Voltaire:

Today, my Calibre e-book software’s “Pick a random book” feature chose a book for me: Lon Milo Duquette’s “The Magick of Aleister Crowley: A Handbook of the Rituals of Thelema.” There are coincidences, and there are coincidences. I had just browsed a photo on Twitter of a beautiful young trans girl sporting the unicursal hexagram as a pendant, so the thelemic theme was planted lin my brain when the book was chosen for me. Being this day of commitments, I hereby commit to this book.

I’m not going to post this ebook, because I’m not interested in violating Bryan Smith’s copyrights, but I wanted to spotlight and discuss it. Over the years I’ve found countless documents describing sometimes tempting methods to “get one over on the system” — stop paying taxes, debt doesn’t exist, etc. I’ve even known a few individuals who tried these methods. If you’re dabbling in this world, I want you to understand one thing. Whatever you found is likely bullshit. I mean, sure, you can try to stop paying taxes. Sure, you can follow this guy’s templates for “eliminating your debt.” I mean, he provided direct evidence that it “worked.” Right? All those responses from the creditors, all the ones that he “never heard from again.” What he doesn’t talk about are the direct economic consequences of using his method. He starts to acknowledge them, in the last paragraph of his document, as if to shrug it off. “Who cares? It’s just a credit report,” it seems to say. And a desperate person looking for a solution to a desperate financial situation might take that at face value and not apply critical thinking. The problem is that when you start stacking your credit report with negatives and charge-offs, which he admits having done, it affects your ability to borrow. You may have difficulty obtaining a mortgage, a vehicle loan or even insurance, and when you do, it will cost more. And if you change your mind and decide to later participate in the system and get the benefits of “stellar credit,” it will take seven years to clean up the mess you’ve made, if you can even do it. It’s a short-term game that causes long-term headache. Don’t do it unless you’re willing to be shut out of the system.

I must say this, because I am known to be a patternist, a word I just used in place of “someone who recognizes patterns.” Then I looked it up, and it turns out it’s a series of books by Octavia Butler. Which is a great way to start off this post. I have a method to my hunting and pecking for ebooks out in the wild. I’ve collected thousands. And I have noticed this pattern. Whenever I search for ebooks in the wild, I get a surprising number of results in Italian. At first I thought, “wow, the Italians are really into their occult literature,” but then I realized I was projecting, because that happened to be what I was searching for at the time. When I just searched for Octavia Butler ebooks, I came across a bunch of results in Italian there as well. What secret story lies behind this phenomena? Is it a simple extension of Italians being big readers? Or is it a measure of tech-savvy capabilities, trends in piracy, lax enforcement? I’m genuinely confused. Here’s why: In a ranking of languages by number of speakers, Italian ranks 29th. English ranks first. Counting both first- and second-language speakers, Italian accounts for 67 million, while English accounts for nearly a billion and a half, most of which are second-languagers. Even if you remove languages that might not show up due to non-Latin characters, such as many Asian languages, it still doesn’t explain why Italian results show up so much in search results. If anyone has any clues, I’m genuinely curious.

Complicated topic no matter how you approach it, but someone had the courage to at least open it up for discussion.

I set out to to learn about the Akashic Records, having heard about them from numerous sources and wanting to get my mind clear on their alleged contents and uses. Being in the middle of reading too many things, I didn’t want to take on another reading journey, but had time to spare for an audio book, so I set out on Libro.FM to see what was available to me. There seemed to be a few options, and the most cost-effective seemed to be a two-parter from Richard Davis, “How to Read the Akashic Records. Discover Your Soul’s Path and Accessing the Archive of Its Journey – Book 1 and 2.” I guess my thinking was two books for one low price. I fear this is where I went wrong. There are two aspects of this book that I’m going to discuss in order to completely tear it apart and make sure I do my part to prevent other fellow planet-dwellers from wasting their hard or soft resources on obtaining or consuming this book. First, and least important I guess, is presentation. This book is narrated by “DMS.” Whether DMS is a pseudonym for an actual person who didn’t want to own up to having narrated this, or a glitchy new AI the machine elves are trying out on us unsuspecting Earth-dwellers, I may never know. I almost feel like you should go check out a sample just so that someone else can hear this and validate my conclusions. It is as if it was read by a grade school student or non-native English speaker, from a book report that he didn’t write, about a book that he didn’t read, but if the grade school student was a grown-ass Texan man with a smoking habit. There is no natural flow to the words whatsoever. There are pauses in nonsensical places. There are incomplete sentence fragments that don’t flow together. If life wasn’t so short, I would go buy the actual written book and compare it to the narration, write all of my critiques on a long piece of rope, and then use that rope to strangle both the author and the narrator. Second, and more important, this goddamn book has nothing to do with accessing the Akashic records. It briefly, oh so briefly, defines the Akashic Records in a way that I could have gleaned simply from context. The rest of the entire book is basic, and I mean very basic, self-help. How to improve your social skills, apparently written by and for people on the spectrum — examples: maintaining eye contact for 60% of a conversation to show interest but not appear creepy; posture for confidence; how to make small talk. Honestly, what the fuck does any of that have to do with Akashic records? And that’s the BULK of the audiobook! If one person benefits from reading this review, my work on this website will have served its purpose. To close out, I will mention that the author

…more…Akashic Records and how to confuse yourself

I ran across an ebook with an interesting title, and by an interesting “publisher,” the combination containing two recent trigger words. “The Akashic Book of Truth” by Geoffrey Filbert, published by “Akashic Applications for Scientology.” I’ve been scientology-curious for as long as I’ve been aware of it. Not join-curious, of course. The type of curious where I familiarize myself with their jargon from everything I can find that is free or pirated. Because this is who I am. I am a student of cults who believes that it is remarkably silly to give all of your money to cults. And then the Akashic angle. The idea that there is a permanent record of everything past, present and future accessible to anyone who has reached a certain level of mastery in certain esoteric pursuits is quite appealing, although I have come to the conclusion that all esoteric orders are merely sources for mnemonic and creative visualization training. And that’s okay. The time frame is 1982. America was in a weird state in 1982. The end of the disco, and further social splintering. So many weird things were going on that it might have seemed like society had lost its mind. I’ve read pro- and anti-Scientology material for decades, and one thing that really gets my energy hopping is finding a document, such as this one, that’s truly out there on a soft fluffy layer of everything that has come before. Rather than the layman, the target demographic of this piece is insiders, people who know the ins and outs, who grasp the nuance in all the jargon. The benefit of this is that someone like me, who is arguably more attuned than the average man-on-the-street, but nowhere even close to resembling an insider, has to work to absorb the words. And this is how I learn best. “Of the over twenty-five million words of philosophical, technical, theoretical and religious speculation covered under various Scientology and Dianetic and Hubbard copyrights, less than one-half of a percent have any bearing or proximity to workable application of that subject. Less than 125,000 words of it are true. Approximately one-half of that quantity of information is true, with another half being dangerously close. Whether intentional, or by random accident, the bulk of this text relates to outlining the true quarter of this one percent and correcting the other quarter of that one-half percent.” It led me here: https://exscn2.net/threads/geoffrey-c-filbert.3354/ And then it led me here: https://www.wiseoldgoat.com/papers-scientology/popup-windows/scn_article_golden_ball.html

So after discovering that binaural porn exists, I decided to follow up on related avenues and see what popped up. I’ve been curious yet highly skeptical about subliminal suggestion, binaural programming, hypnosis, etc. for decades. I feel like it’s natural to expect results with some of these tactics, especially with regard to behaviors and habits. If your intention is strong enough, affirmations and programming can help reinforce that. Do I believe that penis enlargement can be achieved by listening to guided meditations? Not a fucking chance. However, I can see how some folks might be lulled into believing it, especially with Jacqueline Campanelli’s “horse cock alpha male” recordings. Why these particular recordings? Because unlike straight subliminal recordings, which present to the ear simply as tones, pulses, atmospheric noise or music, Jacqueline Campanelli’s recordings say the quiet part out loud. “You are the king. You are an alpha male. You are a winner.” Two voices, a lower voice in the left ear and a higher-pitched voice in the right ear, and slightly off timed as well. Mellow guitar in the background. “You are full of confidence. You carry yourself well. You walk with pride. You walk with a big dick. Your penis leads you through life. You walk with confidence.” The simple truth is, talking about a penis focuses a man’s awareness on his penis, which lends it blood, thickness and weight. “Feel new life flowing into your penis. It is your penis. This is your dick and it is not going away. You love it. It loves you. And it loves women. You have noticed something new. Your penis is growing more every single day. Day in, day out. Your penis is growing into the size and shape of a horse’s cock. A horse’s cock.”

A simple search for the word “binaural” on PornHub, for example, reveals that there are numerous flavors of binaural beat-enhanced porn available. Some are combined with the concept of hands-free orgasm, others combine sacred geometry. This could be fun to combine with certain psychedelics. And then there are those that combine all of it. Hands-free orgasm, hypnosis with binaural. Here’s a wonderful example. https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5ee60c75b2d6d