When attempting to connect with a human, you will occasionally experience the perception of pushback, rejection, abandonment, distrust or suspicion. You may feel overlooked or ignored. You may have strayed too far into uncomfortable territory. Try backpedaling and regressing. In other words, go back to familiar territory. The shared common bond. Then retry. But not too quickly. This tactic must be practiced covertly. A wrong turn is acceptable if it is inadvertent, and humans have short memories. If you backpedal too quickly, it will be an obvious ploy. It has to appear natural.

I am getting higher and higher as time passes. I can only describe the feeling in my head as similar when I would do taoist yoga breathing exercises — by the time I had worked my kundalini up and imagined its presence at the crown chakra, this is that thick, vibrational feeling i would have in my head at that point. Have I just elevated my vibration? Or is it something real-world and medical in nature? Time will tell. Tick tock. Tick tock. Also, “truth or dare” porn never really focuses on playing the game correctly. And we’re supposed to just let that slide?

I have always felt that everything I do, experience, encounter, etc. is leading up to something. Very recently that feeling has become less intuition and more physical. For the last week or so my head has felt that way that it has historically felt when I was feeling as if I was leaving my body. And it’s almost constant. What’s next?

When you make your move too quickly only to find out your target is already havinga. down low with someone else in your immediate circle.

Be bold. Be brave. Don’t hang back. Don’t let shyness or indecision take hold. Here’s a thing. When you’re feeling a certain way, and it’s preventing you from moving forward, simply acknowledge the feeling and speculate on its origin. “I’m feeling a strong urge to (get involved, join in, help, whatever it is) but I’m (not sure how, unfamiliar, a little scared, whatever).” Anyone worth their salt will appreciate your intent and help guide you in to what you both want. The longer you agonize, the harder it will be. Just say okay and let the happening wash over you. You are among friends. You are supported and loved.

Stuck in the grind for a long, long day, but trying to bring more of that healing energy from yesterday, with maybe a little bit of generative charisma thrown in. Do you ever wonder if you’re being tested? As in, individually, personally tested? I mean yes, of course, everything is a test. We make micro-decisions all day every day, and all of them are tests in a sense. They test your will, your patience, your commitment, your morals, your ethics, and more. All day. Every day. But I’m wondering about something more specific, personal and targeted. Have you ever met someone, and decided to test them? By simply throwing something out there that you don’t believe in or support at all, and checking to see how they respond?

Today I am here to encourage lust, and to heal, with receptivity, empathy and acceptance. I find it sad when people are wishy-washy about their lust, conflating bodily functions and erotic needs with some sort of misguided notion of sin. The idea of forcing oneself to feel guilty about one’s own interests and desires seems rather broken to me. A self-defeating system, literally.

You don’t own anotherson. Another person does not own you. We’ve all learned this lesson, slavery was outlawed over a hundred and fifty years ago. This applies to psychological manipulation as well. Bring the mystery back. Treat each other as equals.

I recently visited a place that once held a lot of memories and meaning for me. I think I’ve properly filed away the memories and meaning into a meaningful place, so that they no longer haunt me. This is the “time heals all wounds” feature of our busy existence. It seems like everything I do, see, experience and think about leads me to a place of revisiting past decisions. Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Will I always be looking over my shoulder at my past and wondering if different choices would have led to different outcomes or to essentially the same outcome with different variables. Another way of looking at it might be that life throws a lot of situations and opportunities at you, and you’re not going to learn anything by turning all of them down. In other words, it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done. Currently binging Fleabag and thinking about some of my past relationships, encounters, and fumbled attempts.

Just maybe inject some clarity into your relationships with others. If you want something to work out, explain what it is you want to happen, and what you’re willing to commit to make that happen. If you just don’t have the spoons to make it work out, fucking say so, and go from there. Maybe it’ll free up a lot of cycles for everyone involved, or maybe you’ll elevate to a new plane and find a new way to exist together. It doesn’t have to fit the mold, and it doesn’t have to keep up with the Joneses. You know what’ll make the Joneses really fucking jealous? If you figure it out before they do.

Do you trust your friends? Do you collect and maintain friends you can trust? Sometimes there’s a need to reconcile that balance sheet, and recognize when you’ve been burned once too often, and let that shit go. Learn to recognize that shaky feeling of uncertainty when deciding whether to tell someone something, or commit to something with someone.

I am worthy of love.I am worthy of attention.I am worthy of respect. You tell me I’m great, in words.Your actions do not align with your words.Do you forget that people can perceive that dissonance? Or do you just not care? Do you ever feel the urge to make huge, life-changing decisionsjust because you can no longer tolerate what has becomethe status quo?

Sometimes I miss being young enough to either not know, not care, or not bother to think about the consequences of my choices. I’m old enough to know things will probably be fine no matter what I choose, but I think about who might be harmed or inconvenienced nowadays. It’s not just about that me-me-me dopamine burst anymore. I mean fuck, I’m even thinking about future me, and how future me will think about the choices that current me is currently making.

“Whisper a dangerous secret to someone you care about. Now they have the power to destroy you, but they won’t. That’s what love is.”

If something bothers you about something someone said in an interpersonal relationship, talk it out. Don’t play the silent treatment game. Your silence is not so silent. It’s obvious, and it’s not helping. And maybe instead of simply expressing your resentment directly, ask the questions that lead to finding common ground. You can’t just declare an assumption of unfairness when there has been no discussion or negotiation. Let’s get there together.

I have a strong distaste for asymmetric power dynamics, whether real or perceived. I appreciate when people deal with one another as equals rather than with deference or domination. On an unrelated note, I’ve been pulling Grateful Dead Tarot and Goetia cards daily for 259 and 251 days, respectively. The only Goetia card I have not yet pulled is Berith, and only two Grateful Dead Tarot cards have yet to be pulled: Eyes and Three of Roses.

Yesterday, after a root canal that took more than twice the anticipated time, my endodontist told me, “You have the longest canine I have ever worked on. This will stay with me in my mind.” This is a profound statement, or at least a profound enhancer. No matter what you’re saying to someone, adding “This will stay with me in my mind” to the end of it adds quite a bit of weight to it. Whatever the preceding statement was, it will be reverberating in the recipient’s head for a while after that. Imagine, my canines, which look normal to the casual observer, conceal an abnormal length only visible to the person brave enough to kill and extract the nerve. Perhaps I am descended from a line of secret vampires. Casual research has indicated potential viking heritage, but that could be simple romanticization of a last name. However, previous researchs have claimed a link to William the Conqueror. Viking vampire? Draugr?

The tape echo unit I wanted, but decided not to buy because we wouldn’t be here to receive it, and then changed my mind because someone WOULD be here after all, is now going for more than $100 more than it was yesterday. How sad. I realized at some point that the thing I crave most about this educational endeavor I have embarked upon is a kind of impersonal anonymity. I just want to be done, with no fanfare, no drama, no back-patting. I wonder if others experience money the same way as we do. We get to a panic state, no idea how things are going to resolve, and then it’s like the dam breaks and an elegant solution happens. It’s very strange. Tonight’s meeting was virtual, and well-attended.

I packed up two things today that were sold. I resisted buying something new. Not because I no longer want it, not because it’s not a great price, but just because I might not be home when it is delivered. It’ll be that price again. I did a few hours of work today as well. I completed a unit in the Statistics course on Khan Academy. Have I hurt anyone today? I can confidently say no. Have I let anyone down today? I can confidently say no. I’m waiting for the next couple of hours to pass in hopes that my final grades go live for the two college classes I’ve taken over the last nine weeks. It’s strange that I care, since I know for certain I passed, but somehow I still need that validation hit to make it official. In a couple of weeks I start another nine week cycle. I’m still not talking about it publicly. And I’m not 100% sure of my motives on that. Am I ashamed somehow? Is it about not wanting to announce I’m doing it in case I fail to complete it? I’ll have to dig a little bit there. I’m thinking back to my hypersexualized youth. I discovered sex young, thanks to an older babysitter, a liberated single mom who left books lying around, and an apartment storage room with lax security. The combination of a lot of alone time and a seemingly unlimited supply of prurient material led me to fixate on things at a pretty young age, I guess. And the thing is, once you get into a pattern of moving very quickly from meeting to fucking, it’s hard to get out of that pattern. Then you grow up, and realize that whoa, women aren’t interested in you just for sex anymore. You’re more than your cock, more than a libido, and you’re expected to hold up your end of a conversation and actually be interesting. So I growed up, and pursued interests other than giving, receiving and trading sexual pleasure. I was always fascinated with the world around me, but at least now I can have an honest conversation with an attractive woman without trying to turn it sexual. Don’t get me wrong. In my head I’m absolutely thinking about it. I find it interesting that I never lied to have sex. I never told someone I was single when I wasn’t, told them I loved them when I didn’t, etc. I was always straightforward about whatever situation I was in at the time. I think I know what attracted them to me. I mean sure, I looked good enough, if not in the traditional sense, but more importantly, I was interesting. And curious. And completely uninhibited. I would do just about anything, just about anywhere. I was wild, untamed, with no qualms about semi-public or public sex whatsoever. I fucked in the woods, in cars, in parking garages, in the garden center of a store, on public

…more…Meeting goals and keeping commitments

If you believe in numerology, then numbers have meanings, and maybe if you were born the same year as someone but with the month and days transposed a little bit, maybe you have some sort of psychic link with that person simply due to the nearness of the numbers. Are we living in a simulation? Some folks seem to believe so. When we’re dead, do we know we’re dead? Naked in the hot tub at night, in 49 degree clear skies, with a glass of Jefferson’s Ocean in my left hand and a Rocky Patel Vintage 1990 Robusto Maduro in the right, I find myself still wishing for more.